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Wednesday, April 27th, 2016
1:26 pm - Fear
I used to think I was fearless. I would skydive, jump off cliffs, try strange foods, wear ethnic clothing out, anything anyone asked or dared me to do. It's only in recent years that I've noticed just how afraid I am, really. Fear has kept me from exploring career opportunities, trying new software, expanding my henna business, etc.. To make matters worse, it's starting to depress me. I don't know when or how this started.

I think it's a fear of rejection, or failure, and I'm not quite sure how to overcome it. I've got a small army of supporters who cheer me on constantly, but I haven't been able to overcome this paralysis. I'm trying to take baby steps and go back to basics: sketching, writing, experimenting. I've never been good with discipline, and I suppose it's time to work on that as well.

I need Madam Leota in my corner yelling at me:

current mood: scared

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Tuesday, April 26th, 2016
1:13 pm - Declawing your Cat.
Don't fucking do it, ever.

Also, support the Paw Project and their quest to enact national legislation banning this cruel practice.

current mood: angry

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Friday, April 22nd, 2016
12:48 pm - Henna is magic.
Henna is always magical to me; it's still as mysterious and enchanting as the first time I mixed it, applied it, and viewed the glorious stain the next day. The very talented Monique Herzig of alchemy in Ferndale, MI completely captures this ethereal feeling in her video. If I had any kind of photography skill I would make my own video.

current mood: artistic

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Friday, April 15th, 2016
10:08 am - They have a quiz for everything now...

What Should You Have for Breakfast? | PlayBuzz

current mood: hungry

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Monday, April 4th, 2016
10:57 am - Finding my voice again...
Well, I've finally hit it: a change in my life that I should have expected and actually hoped would happen (though not like this.) My department was eliminated at work.

I spent the first few days mourning and doing housework in between working on my resume (though it took me another week to finish 3 of them with cover letter and portfolio. I've never had problems writing about anything, just myself it seems; it's always like pulling teeth. This particular extraction was grueling and awful, and I couldn't have done it without a little help from my friends. ♪) I spent the Second week finding jobs and identifying the ones I wanted the most. More housework to delay the inevitable...

By the third week I knew I had to start getting serious and by end of the week I had applied to my top 3 jobs, plus 3 others. I went into Easter weekend feeling supremely confident that I would recieve a call in no time! Reveling in that confidence, I spent most of the fourth week enjoying myself apparently. I only applied to one job. But I also didn't hear anything. From anyone. I started to get nervous....

So here it is, the start of the fifth week. Four weeks ago I was laid off, and I still don't have a job. Or any calls.

I've never not been without work, so this is a very strange experience thus far. My father has graciously given me a kit he was given when he had to transition careers, and it's given me some food for thought. Perhaps it's time to change, though the dilemma for me has always been the same: I don't know what I will do that will make me happy or what I will like. I don't particularly enjoy graphic design any more than I enjoyed floristry. I like being creative, and I like solving technical problems. And I like research. Translating that into a paying career is going to be the hard part.

A few articles I read indicate that you should keep a schedule while unemployed, it's supposed to help fight off depression and keep you from falling into sloth by being productive. Part of that, I think, will be for me to take up writing again. I always think better when I do.

current mood: confused

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Monday, June 1st, 2015
8:00 pm - Just Because (Happy Memories)

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Sunday, August 17th, 2014
8:51 am - Awesome Mix, Vol. 1
Just press play, and listen.


current mood: energetic

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Friday, July 25th, 2014
11:29 am - Secret Wishes
Him:   "You need a spa day when this is all over, complete with manicure, pedicure and massage, too."

Me (weakly):  "No, it's ok, I'll be fine."

(In my head I'm secretly jumping for joy at the mere thought of it, hoping it comes true.)

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Thursday, June 19th, 2014
12:32 pm - Taking a moment to dream...
It's a low-ish day today and I really need a happy thought, so I thought I'd take a few moments to dream a bit...

If money were no object, I would:

  • Pay off my debt.

  • Remodel my condo.

  • Go back to school for a career change.

  • Send money to my grandmother and aunt.

  • Enjoy regular spa days.

  • Find clothes that actually fit and flatter me.

  • Set up savings for my niece and nephew.

  • Send flowers/gifts regularly to everyone I love.

  • Eat out / eat healthier more.

  • Hire a personal trainer.

  • Travel for pleasure, or to visit relatives.

...ran out of ideas, I'm sure there are more. It's a curious thing, trying to understand what will make you happy and give you fulfillment in your life. I have a feeling I'll end up spending the rest of my life trying to figure it out.


Speaking of happy, I've met someone very special. He seems to be almost exactly like me, down to the smallest nuance. Like a mirror...

I'm *strongly* reminded of a quote from Eat, Pray, Love:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..”

current mood: down

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Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
12:01 pm - A series of funnies to brighten the day...

current mood: accomplished

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Friday, February 21st, 2014
7:52 pm - Relevant Poetry of the Day
The papers are signed,
Dotted every "i",
After weeks of paperwork and waiting.

Now it is real,
And bought for a steal,
And ready for some personal updating.

It still feels like a dream.
What a wonderful team
Of people who helped me in my negotiations..

But with my key in the door
I am a renter no more;
This, I never thought to achieve.
But now, I can finally relax and believe…

My little place is officially mine.

current mood: Major Event-ed

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Thursday, February 6th, 2014
9:52 pm - No matter how bad things get..
I always laugh at this:

(Tiny kitten beers)
From Pictures for Sad Children http://www.ohnorobot.com/archive.pl?comic=1924

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Monday, June 3rd, 2013
12:51 pm - Status Update

No, I'm not dead. Yes, 2013 hasn't been a good year for me.
Hence the lack of posts.

Fear not, I'm finding my zen. I'm counting my blessings. I'm rethinking my priorities. I'm (trying) to cultivate my passions.

In other words, I'm living.

And listening to a lot of audiobooks.

current mood: stressed

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Friday, April 5th, 2013
10:42 am - Cookie Monster's Famous Cookie Dough 001

Straight out of my childhood. Every member of my family will attest to this: I made this, and made this often. The recipe, surprisingly, works. It made me happy to see this again.

Complete directions here with results:

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Friday, October 19th, 2012
4:47 pm - We Are Legion - The Story of the Hacktivists
Watch it. Learn from it. 

current mood: righteous

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Wednesday, September 26th, 2012
4:56 pm - Just. Awesome. I want to be her....

" My attitude and thoughts and actions have more value in them than my body because I recognize that this body is just going to become ash in the end, so why fuss about it? When I die, no one is going to remember what I looked like, heck, my kids will forget my voice, and slowly, all physical memory will fade away. However, my impact and legacy will remain: and, by not focusing on the physical beauty, I have time to cultivate those inner virtues and hopefully, focus my life on creating change and progress for this world in any way I can. "

Reddit Users Attempt to Shame Sikh Woman, Get Righteously Schooled

current mood: inspired

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Tuesday, August 21st, 2012
9:28 pm - One more thing...
This damn thing works!

Also, I think I've found my new henna pattern:

current mood: tired

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8:19 pm - Foodie
Yesterday I took a trip to the farmer's market, where I reaped a bounty of yellow squash, cucumbers, green tomatoes and jalapenos for an insanely cheap sum. As I type this, I've got a draining colander of freshly washed jalapenos just waiting for me to cut, de-seed and blanch the lot of them. In my kitchen sits a fresh sourdough loaf, greek yogurt straining on the sill. My windows are open letting fresh air in, and Julie and Julia on TV. I've been watching a barrage of food movies lately: Tortilla Soup, Ratatouille, Fried Green Tomatoes, Today's Special and Eat Drink Man Woman. It's enough to gain weight by osmosis.

I can't explain the happiness I feel when I walk through a real market (not the average chain supermarket, mind you) and see all the fresh veggies and think of the possibilities. I love to cook, I'm a foodie at heart. I blame this entirely on Julia Child, whose show I used to watch religiously as a child on PBS. I remember being a constantly hungry kid, so watching her show was the definition of food porn. It also didn't help that my grandfather was a fantastic baker and cook for a local hospital, and who also was a wonderful freelance wedding cake baker. I have distinct memories of flouring pans and licking batter bowls and not being tall enough to reach the counter. I had intimate knowledge of spices, extracts and butter by the time I was 10. Mom was rather busy with such a large family so I often took on the task of cooking dinner, baking to make treats for us all, and using up copious harvests of apricots from the tree in the backyard. I memorized (and later stole) my mother's 70's-staple tome, Betty Crocker's Cookbook.

It took me some time to get used to not cooking for a small army, though my ex did enjoy the fruits of my knowledge on a regular basis. There were always leftovers. There still are, moreso now that it's just me again. It's nearly impossible to cook for one. In my freezer are portions of various soups, casseroles and chilis. And the odd frozen pizza. Thank goodness for the weekly girls' gathering to help consume the surplus on occasion.

While I love the act of culinary ceation, I hate the cleanup. My poor sink is always full it seems.

Back to the jalapenos....

current mood: accomplished

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
6:01 pm - I had a dream my life would be...
So different from this hell I'm living...

current mood: miserable

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Friday, July 6th, 2012
8:37 pm - Selections from Eat, Pray, Love
When I was in the breakup phase of my long term relationship, I grasped at anything to help me understand what was happening to me. Any book, any song, any movie with similar themes was devoured with religious fervor, with the hope of gaining some sort of cosmic insight.

Eat, Pray, Love made sense at the time, but looking back, it's quite ridiculous. A woman whose mid-life crisis and divorce takes her and her vast disposable income across the globe and through three countries to find herself. The rest of us, I'm afraid, have to stay where we are and just deal with it in the real world. And with a lot more stress.

Nevertheless, there are some passages from the book that still resonate as true as they did then. Allow me to share a few:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. 

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..” 
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” 

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” 

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” 
“Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” 
“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” 
“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain,  I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.” 
“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.” 
“I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." 
“I am a better person when I have less on my plate.” 
“eventually, everything goes away.” 

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